If you could see
A Reflection on Worth and Visibility
Sometimes, we fail to see the value in ourselves. We dim our light, quiet our spark, and give pieces of ourselves away, believing we are less than we are.
This poem grew from my work as a therapist and from what I so often witness in others, the strength, courage, and quiet wisdom that can go unseen, even by the person who carries it. It is a reminder that even when self-doubt whispers otherwise, your presence, insight, and contributions matter deeply.
If You Could See
You paint the air with colours bright
yet hide your canvas out of sight
You give away your crown, your flame
then tell yourself you are not the same
But I have seen the light you throw
the way you make the small things grow
the spark that flickers in your eyes
the truth you hold, the quiet wise
If you could see the view I see
you would wear your heart more fearlessly
You would keep your colours, let them stay
and never give yourself away
This poem is for anyone who feels unimportant, overlooked, or like their contributions do not matter. My hope is that it reminds you of your inherent worth and that the world, even if you cannot always see it yourself, is brighter because you are in it.
In counselling, one of the most powerful things I can do is witness someone fully, reflecting back their strengths, courage, and value. Sometimes we just need someone to see us so that we can begin to see ourselves.
As you read, I invite you to pause and ask: What light do I carry that I might not always see?
What kind of relationship do you have with yourself?
The Mirror Within
The way we see ourselves is not just a reflection in a mirror. It is the lens through which we experience the world. For many, this lens is clouded by early experiences of trauma, whether emotional neglect, abuse, or abandonment. These formative years shape our self-worth, emotional regulation, and interpersonal dynamics.
The Question That Stopped Me
I remember the first time my supervisor asked me a question that stayed with me. We were reflecting on my work with clients, and he looked at me and said, “Katherine, what kind of relationship do you have with yourself?”
At first, I did not know how to answer. I had never been asked that question directly. It made me pause and reflect in a way that nothing else had. I realised that the way I viewed and treated myself shaped not only my own life but also how I showed up for others.
The Roots of Self-Perception
Research underscores the profound impact of childhood trauma on adult self-concept. A study published in Frontiers in Psychology highlights that individuals with a history of childhood trauma often develop a negative self-concept, which can make it difficult to form and maintain healthy relationships.
This negative self-view is not just about feeling “bad” about oneself. It is about internalising beliefs like “I am unworthy,” “I am unlovable,” or “I am broken.” These beliefs can manifest as people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, or choosing partners who reinforce these patterns.
Why Old Patterns Keep Showing Up
Trauma does not only affect how we see ourselves. It influences how we engage with others. According to Psychology Today, people who grew up in abusive environments may normalise unhealthy behaviours like manipulation or volatility in adult relationships. Some may even be drawn to partners who echo their early caregivers, keeping the cycle alive.
Finding New Ways to Relate to Yourself
The good news is that healing is possible. By recognising the impact of early trauma on our relationship with ourselves, we can begin to rewrite our stories. Therapeutic approaches, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), offer pathways to understanding and transforming these deep-seated beliefs.
For those with a history of trauma, EFT can help in naming and expressing vulnerable emotions, building secure bonds, and creating new possibilities for self and relationships.
A Gentle Invitation
If you find yourself caught in patterns that no longer serve you, whether in relationships, self-worth, or emotional regulation, know that you are not alone. Your past does not have to dictate your future. By nurturing a compassionate relationship with yourself, you can begin to heal and transform.
Sometimes all it takes is a question like the one my supervisor asked: What kind of relationship do you have with yourself? Reflecting on this can be the first step toward a more meaningful and fulfilling connection with yourself and others.
Reflection Prompt
Take a few quiet minutes today and ask yourself:
How do I usually speak to myself?
Do I treat myself with the same compassion I offer others?
What kind of relationship do I want to build with myself moving forward?
Write down what comes up without judgement. Notice if there’s a small, gentle shift in how you see yourself.
Who Am I Without Addiction? Exploring Identity in Recovery
Recovery from addiction is often framed in terms of stopping substance use, learning coping strategies, or avoiding relapse but there is another dimension that is just as crucial: identity. Who are you when you are not defined by substances? Who do you want to be? How do you see yourself?
In my work as a counsellor, I have sat with men and women who carried immense shame, who defined themselves entirely by their addiction. One client once said, “I don’t know who I am without this.” It is a common, heartrending experience. Identity is not fixed; it evolves over time, shaped by relationships, trauma, and choices. Understanding this can be transformative for recovery (Howard, 2004).
The journey often involves moving from an “addict identity” toward a “recovery identity.” This is not simply quitting substances; it is about reshaping your sense of self in relation to the world and to others. Research on social identity in recovery shows that the communities we engage with, whether peers in recovery or supportive networks, play a pivotal role in this transformation (Best et al., 2016).
Yet it is essential to honour the “addict” identity, even as it is left behind. Many clients carry shame and stigma from their past actions. In therapy, acknowledging this identity without judgement allows people to integrate their experiences and move toward a healthier self (Pickard, 2021). I have seen clients shift from self-condemnation to self-recognition simply by exploring what their “addict identity” has taught them, the resilience, the survival, the lessons embedded in pain.
Practically, identity work in recovery can include reflective exercises, dream exploration, peer support, and connecting with communities that reinforce growth. It is about reclaiming agency, understanding how past experiences shaped who you are, and discovering who you want to be.
Recovery is not just about abstaining from substances. It is about reclaiming your story, reshaping your identity, and stepping into a life that is whole, resilient, and authentically yours.