What kind of relationship do you have with yourself?

The Mirror Within

The way we see ourselves is not just a reflection in a mirror. It is the lens through which we experience the world. For many, this lens is clouded by early experiences of trauma, whether emotional neglect, abuse, or abandonment. These formative years shape our self-worth, emotional regulation, and interpersonal dynamics.

The Question That Stopped Me
I remember the first time my supervisor asked me a question that stayed with me. We were reflecting on my work with clients, and he looked at me and said, “Katherine, what kind of relationship do you have with yourself?”

At first, I did not know how to answer. I had never been asked that question directly. It made me pause and reflect in a way that nothing else had. I realised that the way I viewed and treated myself shaped not only my own life but also how I showed up for others.

The Roots of Self-Perception
Research underscores the profound impact of childhood trauma on adult self-concept. A study published in Frontiers in Psychology highlights that individuals with a history of childhood trauma often develop a negative self-concept, which can make it difficult to form and maintain healthy relationships.

This negative self-view is not just about feeling “bad” about oneself. It is about internalising beliefs like “I am unworthy,” “I am unlovable,” or “I am broken.” These beliefs can manifest as people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, or choosing partners who reinforce these patterns.

Why Old Patterns Keep Showing Up
Trauma does not only affect how we see ourselves. It influences how we engage with others. According to Psychology Today, people who grew up in abusive environments may normalise unhealthy behaviours like manipulation or volatility in adult relationships. Some may even be drawn to partners who echo their early caregivers, keeping the cycle alive.

Finding New Ways to Relate to Yourself
The good news is that healing is possible. By recognising the impact of early trauma on our relationship with ourselves, we can begin to rewrite our stories. Therapeutic approaches, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), offer pathways to understanding and transforming these deep-seated beliefs.

For those with a history of trauma, EFT can help in naming and expressing vulnerable emotions, building secure bonds, and creating new possibilities for self and relationships.

A Gentle Invitation
If you find yourself caught in patterns that no longer serve you, whether in relationships, self-worth, or emotional regulation, know that you are not alone. Your past does not have to dictate your future. By nurturing a compassionate relationship with yourself, you can begin to heal and transform.

Sometimes all it takes is a question like the one my supervisor asked: What kind of relationship do you have with yourself? Reflecting on this can be the first step toward a more meaningful and fulfilling connection with yourself and others.

Reflection Prompt
Take a few quiet minutes today and ask yourself:

• How do I usually speak to myself?

• Do I treat myself with the same compassion I offer others?

• What kind of relationship do I want to build with myself moving forward?

Write down what comes up without judgement. Notice if there’s a small, gentle shift in how you see yourself.

Reconnecting Through the Body: How Somatic Experiencing Strengthens Relationships

Intro:
Connection begins in the body. Before words, before thoughts, we experience ourselves and others through the sensations of our nervous system. Trauma can disrupt this natural flow, leaving us disconnected, guarded, or reactive. Somatic Experiencing (SE), developed by Peter A. Levine, offers a way to notice, release, and regulate these stored tensions, creating space for more authentic engagement with ourselves and others.

The Nervous System as a Bridge
Trauma isn’t only psychological. It is stored in the body. Tight shoulders, racing hearts, shallow breaths, these are messages from the nervous system. SE teaches us to attend to these signals, not with judgment, but with curiosity. As tension is released, the body feels safer, and relational capacity grows.

From Survival to Presence
When trauma keeps us in survival mode, fight, flight, or freeze, connection can feel unsafe. We may avoid intimacy, overreact in conflict, or shut down emotionally. Through gentle, incremental exploration of bodily sensations, SE helps the nervous system reset. This creates the internal safety needed to show up fully in relationships.

Practical Ways to Embody Connection

• Tune into your body before difficult conversations to notice tension early.

• Use grounding techniques like slow breathing or pressing feet into the floor to regulate stress.

• Pause and identify bodily sensations during emotional moments to communicate with clarity.

SE and Empathy
By learning to notice our own internal experience, we cultivate awareness of others’ states. This somatic attunement strengthens empathy, patience, and deeper understanding, making relationships more resilient.

Conclusion / Reflection
Connection is more than conversation, it is embodied. Somatic Experiencing invites us to listen to our bodies, release tension, and return to presence. In doing so, we don’t just heal ourselves; we create the conditions for richer, more authentic relationships with the people who matter most.

Couples therapy online

Navigating Love from a Distance: The Power of Online Emotionally Focused Therapy

You’ve been arguing about the same thing for weeks. You feel unheard, and your partner seems distant. In today’s fast-paced world, many couples experience this silent drift. Miscommunication, unresolved conflict, and emotional disconnection can leave both partners frustrated and isolated. But help is closer than you think. Online Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) offers a path to reconnect and rebuild trust, even from a distance.

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

EFT is a structured, short-term therapy designed to help couples understand and reorganize their emotional responses. Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson and grounded in attachment theory, EFT focuses on creating secure emotional bonds. It provides a safe space for partners to express their needs and vulnerabilities, fostering understanding and deeper connection.

The Benefits of Online EFT

Online EFT has been shown to be highly effective. A comprehensive meta-analysis revealed that approximately 70% of couples undergoing EFT reported meaningful improvements in relationship satisfaction, with many achieving symptom-free status by the end of therapy. Another study in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that online EFT also reduces depressive symptoms and relationship distress, demonstrating its effectiveness beyond the traditional therapy room.

Beyond the research, online EFT offers practical benefits:

• Accessibility: Attend sessions from home, eliminating travel stress.

• Flexibility: Accommodates different time zones and schedules.

• Comfort: Familiar surroundings can encourage openness and honest expression.

From My Experience

In my practice, I’ve seen couples regain trust and closeness even after years of feeling disconnected. Often, the smallest shifts, learning to notice and validate each other’s emotions, can spark profound change.

Taking the First Step

If you and your partner are struggling, online EFT could be the supportive, structured approach you need. Taking that first step whether reaching out for therapy or trying an EFT exercise can be an act of courage that transforms your relationship.

Love and connection are possible, even across distances. Online EFT provides the guidance to rediscover them.